Attack of the Child Snatchers
By Chuck Muth
Please note: Chuck Muth will be our luncheon speaker on January 18th! Learn more in the Upcoming Events section below.
 I don’t tend to believe in coincidences, nor do I consider it paranoia when somebody really is out to get you. And especially when my children are involved.
For new readers who may not yet fully understand my political views and philosophy, I think they are best summed up by the immortal words of late Reagan press secretary Lyn Nofziger, who famously said, “I don’t like government; it’s just that simple.”
Oh, and I don’t like labor unions any more than I like government.
Politically speaking, I’ve made a lot of enemies over the years.
So there I was around three o’clock yesterday afternoon - writing my national Muth’s Truths weekend column on the Westboro Baptist Church in the back room - when somebody knocked on our front door. A few minutes later my eldest daughter came back and said Momma Gia wanted me to come talk to the lady.
I walked outside - allowing our “vicious” puppy to scoot out the door and begin running around in circles chasing her tail in the driveway - and found my wife holding our baby in her arms with our daughter by her side talking to an older woman. My wife began explaining: “This lady is from Child Protective Services and she’s investigating an anonymously filed report that our kids were playing in the street with no shoes on and she wants to see the kids and inspect our house and...”
WHOA! Stop...right...there!
Gia, into the house. Kristen, into the house. Cujo-puppy, into the house.
If there’s one government agency that strikes more fear into the hearts of parents in this country than the Internal Revenue Service (which I’ve also had some unpleasant experience with), it’s Child Protective Services. These people have the power to take your children away from you, and their actions are often triggered by anonymous “tips.”
This is not to say there aren’t children out there who truly need the intervention and protection of CPS (in Nevada it’s actually CFS, for Children and Family Services), but they are nevertheless a government agency with an enormous amount of power. That someone sic’ed CFS on me anonymously was a threat I took DAMNED seriously.
So I told the woman, who was pleasant enough and just doing her job, that the conversation was over; that I had nothing further to say without my attorney present; and that no one was going to inspect my home or question my kids without a court order. End of discussion. Thank you for stopping by.
First things first: Call the lawyer. He said not to worry; just email him the contact information for the CFS investigator and he’d take care of it first thing Monday morning.
Next, remind the kids that they are not to talk to or go anywhere with strangers, ESPECIALLY if they say they’re from the government. With that, back to normal life.
Dropped the frightened 7-year-old off at Boys & Girls Club after assuring her that I wouldn’t let the government take her to “juvy hall.” Then took the 5-year-old, her friend and the baby to the Children’s Museum to get them out of Momma Gia’s hair for a couple hours. While there I read a few chapters of Jack Goldsmith’s book, The Terror Presidency, about how lawyers are gumming up the war on terrorists and inhibiting our soldiers’ ability to win.
Back home around 5:30 p.m. for a meeting with the lovely and talented Randi Thompson - the woman who made sure our recently-concluded Conservative Leadership Conference ran like clockwork - after which she’d be staying for dinner with the Muth clan.
Momma Gia left with the 5-year-old, her friend and the baby to Boys & Girls Club to pick up the 7-year-old and her friend, all of whom would be staying overnight at our humble abode for one of those slumber party things young girls seem to enjoy so much.
I had no sooner opened a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and poured Randi and I both a glass when there was a knock on the door. I figured it was another of the neighborhood kids who was coming over for the slumber party, but to my shock and surprise there were two uniformed sheriff’s deputies on the porch instead.
Nothing like answering the door and finding two police officers investigating a child welfare complaint with a glass of liquor in your hand!
Anyway, the officers informed me that the CFS woman had reported me to them and that they were there to see my kids and inspect my home to see if they had clothes, shoes and beds to sleep in. I was even told they wanted to look in my refrigerator to see if I had milk and food in the house.
OK. Now this...was...serious.
I informed the officers that the kids weren’t home; that my wife was out picking them up. I also informed them that I wanted to talk to my lawyer before letting them into my house. I knew I had the right to stop them from entering without a court order, but I also knew that in a matter dealing with children they would surely obtain one with no problem. It was simply a matter of letting them in now or letting them in later. Still, my inclination was to force the issue and wait for a court order.
As I was explaining that I suspected this was all a politically-motivated investigation due to my work, Momma Gia pulls up in the driveway with the kids. So much for waiting for a court order before letting the law see and inspect the children. Fortunately, when they emerged from the van they all had their shoes on for a change.
“Well, you may as well come in the house now,” I said.
As luck would have it, my wife had already pre-set the dinner table with our “fine china” because of the slumber party and because we always “put on the Ritz” when Aunt Randi comes over for dinner. There was a pot-roast in the slow-cooker on the counter and pots of corn on the cob, potatoes and gravy on the stove. And since Thursday was payday, we’d just come back from buying a couple hundred dollars worth of food and beverages from Costco. So Mother Hubbard’s cupboards were anything but bare when I opened them and the fridge for the deputies.
The girls’ room looked like a typical girls’ room - which, of course, means it looked like, in my mother’s words, a pig sty. But yes, my kids do have beds and there were even sheets, blankets and pillows on them.
Needless to say, the police officers were completely satisfied and let me know they would report positively back to CFS. On the way out the door, one of the officers noticed the picture of Ronald Reagan I have hanging in our entrance hallway and remarked, “What a great man.” That made me feel a little better. Not much. But a little.
I fully understand that the CFS worker and the police officers were just doing their jobs, and that any report involving child welfare needs to be taken seriously. But that doesn’t mean the whole incident didn’t scare the hell out of me. God help whoever filed this frivolous report thinking it was an funny or an appropriate payback - whether it was politically motivated or just some busy-body neighbor - if I ever find out who it was. Even the mafia draws the line at going after someone’s children.
OK, I’m outta here. Taking the kids for a LONG walk DEEP into the woods today. And this time, I’m going to make SURE none of them bring any doggone bread crumbs with them!
Chuck Muth is president and CEO of Citizen Outreach and a member of the Grassroot Institute of Hawaii Board of Advisors. Muth will be in Honolulu during January. GRIH has scheduled him for a luncheon speaking engagement at the Pacific Club on Friday, January 18th starting at 11:30 AM. He will be speaking on "Bureaucracy (Child and Family Services) Run Amok." For more information or to register, please e-mail dick@grassrootinstitute.org or call him at (808)591-9193. Advance
registration is required and seats are limited.
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